dear daveradio

13 - Been

2009-03-16T15:57:00.000-07:00

Dear Daveradio, where have you been? - Anonymous

Good question. A bunker? In Bed? Perhaps I've been in the shower for the past few weeks. To tell the truth, I don't really know.

You see, there are times in my life where gaps develop. These aren't drug or alcohol induced - or at least not in any sort of unnatural way. There are times where I simply don't have the words to say, a reason to make up drivel, or a reasonable motive. This gap is what might be misinterpreted as a peaceful time; a time where equilibrium robs me of every drop of creativity and every opportunity to despair.

Don't worry, though, because as true as the wisdom that supposes everything will achieve balance, it is just as certain that there will be chaos-enough for me to write again soon.

Thanks for asking,

Daveradio

12 - Drinkability

2009-01-22T18:01:00.000-08:00

dear daveradio,
why is there so much pomp and circumstance for someone winning an election? surely in this current economic climate the festivities should be toned down. i don't understand.
an unneccessary expense

Well anonymous that's another great question.

Let's compare the cost of the festivities to the cost of a one-night stand with a prostitute. They both seem irresponsible. They both seem unnecessary. They're both fun (probably) and after they're over have no lasting effects (hopefully.)

Ah, but the problem is that the intentions of the thousands of balloon blowers at the inauguration hope to bring-about a lasting effect that is every bit as tangible as the VD you probably got from that streetwalker. The electricians* are hoping for confidence-fueled investment in the economic sector of the economy, which is fickle to such a degree that it follows the ups and downs of the Calee baby scandal. So, run madly through the street shooting a gun to stop commerce OR party, promise, and pray publicly to jump-start it. It just so happens that the party, promise, and pray publicly regimen works for resolving your prostitution scandals as well.

Thanks for asking,

-Daveradio

*electrician: n. One who works on an election.

11 - ROD and his naive parents

2009-01-01T15:51:00.000-08:00

...what do I need to do if I want to attain the perfection and shine of Blagojevic's hair? What shampoo do you think he uses? Does he rinse, lather, and repeat? Does his wife assist him in rubbing in Johnson & Johnson Tear-free shampoo into his perfect follicles? I'm dying to know.

Rod Blagojevich (pronounced a$hole) is the Illinois governor at the center of a terrible political scandal involving his marrying of a foul-mouthed harpie. His life, his work, and his family has been scrutinized by the world media and the commentaries are harsh:

"He is morally corrupt. I'll bet that he kicks dogs and drowns kittens."
-NewsWeak
"Blagojevich's refusal to step-down after being caught red-handed is further proof that he has made a deal with Satan which clearly states that he will lose his soul, not his job."
-Wiccan Weeky Reader Monthly
"Arizona! That movie was biggest waste of 3 hours, like ever. If I wanted to see a child babble for 3 hours I would have had children of my own - and then skipped town with a foul-mouthed hottie like Blaojevich's wife... leaving them poor, alone, and destitute."
-Indiescene FanZine Editorial

As for the hair, I think that a persons visage is a physical embodiment of an inner being. In the case of Rod, it's obvious that he's hiding horns.

Thanks for asking.

-Daveradio

Shameless Promotion Materials

2009-01-01T08:09:00.000-08:00

Aside

2008-12-30T15:04:00.000-08:00

Followers, I need followers. Click the button below

that asks you to follow this blog.

While you're at it, tell some other (totally random, of course)
people to do the same. If you want to REALLY help me
in my quest for world domination, you'll take this link:

http://deardaveradio.blogspot.com/

...and post it to your web page, print flyers for your office mates,
and tattoo it on your forehead.

Thanks for promoting,

-Daveradio

10 - Children, Lies

2008-12-24T19:46:00.000-08:00

Anonymous said...: dear daveradio
why do people like children?

Merry f'n Christmas kids! I'll get to this question tomorrow.
Thanks for your patience.

The jolly little children run amok... tearing through wrapping paper like wrapping paper on a Christmas gift... awwww. They take their new toy truck, and for 2 whole seconds their little faces light-up, beaming with delight... awwww. Then they throw the little lead covered Chinese toy truck at the nearest child, ceramic, or pet and scream "I wanted an X Box !" Awwww.

My little anecdote has nothing to do with the real answer to this question. People fear dying in obscurity so they have children to leave something to the next generation - as substitutions for failures as a contributor to the arts, science, or general welfare of the population. People don't really like children, but they feel like they are contributing to something by giving the planet more kids. They give incredible time, money, and personal sacrifice to the upbringing of these things.

But, my friend, there is a lesson I learned in architecture school that I think applies to the issue of the validity of the parent's extraordinary effort. I was a C student... but I worked like and A student... day and night, studied, poised, dedicated to the extent that I would offer up my body to the project at hand and work to the brink of exhaustion. In the end, I was still a C student. I didn't have the raw talent that some of my peers did... and I didn't have a firm grasp of what architecture was really about. For the first 3 years all I really did was make a big C-Turd's worth of useless work. My contribution to all of the arts, science, humanity and architecture was, for the most part, just a big C-Turd. Just like kids.

Thanks for asking.

-Daveradio

09 - Too bad there isn't a catchy song with the word "Karma" in the title that I could use as a header for this entry...

2008-12-18T20:44:00.000-08:00

Dear Daveradio,

How come when something good happens to people they say "oh I've got good karma," and when something bad happens to somebody else they say "karma's a bitch," but nobody ever says anything like, "mother earth really came through on this one" or "Ganesha must have been really angry with them?"

As a follow up question, do you think it's because people are idiots?

If theodicy can be summed up with a contemporary metaphor:
It's like God/Nature created this online banking account and then forgot the login and password. Since there was no first pet name for a password retrieval question, all hope of administering this account is gone. What happens now is a deposit here, an overwithdrawl there, some hidden fees for the "free" checking, and a $.10 / month interest collected on all that humanity is worth.

So, with the lost password model for the existence of God, we can rule-out any mention of Karma... we just don't need it, unless you're playing craps. In which case... if you say the word "seven" at the table you Will throw a damn seven and get a nasty look from the others at the table... that's just a fact.

As for your follow-up, yes and no. We act like idiots... especially in the way that we sometimes intentionally choose for ourselves punishing and deleterious plans for the sole purpose of proving that we are not entirely egoist... often involving beer.

Thanks for asking.

-Daveradio

p.s. Thanks for beginning your question with "How come..." I'm not sure why, just cause.

08 - Dumb Birds

2008-12-14T16:16:00.000-08:00

dear daveradio
i regularly leave stale bread out for the birds. i have noticed they eat the middle first. now everyone knows the crusts are the best bit...are they saving the best til last? or do they just hate curly hair?
yours in anticipation,
piglet

Piglet,
Birds have no consciousness of God, therefore they act and respond to the world around them in what I would describe as 'unholy disorder.'
They do not question their existence. They do not act in a manner at all corresponding to the way in which humans make decisions, i.e. fear of the eternal, fear of death. So... enlighten the birds and their motives will become clear.

I must warn you, though. Enlightening them will surely make them turn on the human race.

Thanks for asking.

-Daveradio

07 - Myan Curse

2008-12-12T17:21:00.000-08:00

Am I wrong for worrying all of a sudden about getting sick, since it seems like every time you are in town I, or my better half, get sick and we have to pass up on getting drunk and shooting heroin with you?

Am I just being paranoid? Or are they really after me?

K, thx.

When I was a young lad my uncle Jimmy used to sit me down on his knee and tell me the way of the world. One of the things that he used to tell me time and again was this, "Life isn't fair, and the sooner you stop expecting to get what you deserve then the happier you'll be with what ya got."

Now I never really had an uncle Jimmy, and I was a homophobic child and would never have sat upon the knee of any man besides my pa. But had someone actually said these things to me, I might have spent less time and money in therapy and more on keeping my house out of foreclosure... he he he it sure is funny the way things work out.

Oh, and about your question... it's a Myan Curse.

Thanks for asking.

-Daveradio

06 - Your Cheatin Heart

2008-12-10T17:36:00.000-08:00

dear daveradio
is it ok to sleep with her if...
a. she's married
b. her husband finds your saucy texts
c. he's cheated too
or d. all of the above

What are we here for!?
Then ask yourself if you should be good for any other reason than for the answer to that question.

If your answer to the first question is "to serve a higher power," then the answer to you is No, none of the above.

If your answer to the first question is "carrot," then my answer to you is D. all of the above or E. Reproduce and populate the planet with soft-minded freaks.

Thanks for asking.

-Daveradio

05 - Wash, Rinse, Repeat.

2008-12-06T21:24:00.000-08:00

What bribe is sufficient to get you to come to Fayettenam for xmas/new years?

-y

$0 I will be there. Maybe I'll stay.

Thanks for asking.

-Daveradio

04 - We don't all get Hummers

2008-12-04T19:58:00.000-08:00

Please help. My ex-girlfriend broke up with me because she said that she was 'overwhelmed.' What does this mean and how do I get her back?
-mr. overwhelming

Well Mr. Overwhelming, you've forgotten the first rule of all rules of all things. Life is not fair. Say it to yourself over and over again while you cry yourself to sleep and eventually it might sink-in. Don't expect to get from life what you put into it.

I mean, if life were fair would Mother Teresa have carried the poor to shelter on the streets of Calcutta all of her life and died poor? No! If life were fair Arnold Schwarzenegger would have given her his Hummer to cruise the streets picking up poor. She deserved Schwarzenegger's Hummer but never got it; that jackass denied Mother Teresa a Hummer... and you, Mr O deserve answers to your failed relationship, but guess what! You're not getting her back, not getting answers from her, and sure-as-hell not getting a straight answer from me!

Though, seriously, she probably just likes some other dude more than she likes you. Get over it.

Thanks for asking.

Daveradio

03- Problems Expressing Emotion

2008-12-04T19:45:00.000-08:00

So, those hearts you've confessed to drawing yourself, were you intentionally bent on causing people to have epileptic seizures or was that just a happy coincidence?

Thanks in advance,
yyyyyy

Obviously the hearts were drawn to be encouraging and inviting... an invitation to all for the expression of emotion and deepest feelings. By heading the page with hearts I'm saying "Tell me what's bothering you, because what's bothering you probably stems from unrequited feelings, frivolous emotion and ruined relationships.

Furthermore yyyyyy those hearts... well, I'm drunk.

Thanks for asking.

-Daveradio

02-Namesake

2008-12-02T21:04:00.000-08:00

odDonnellE said...

Dear Daveradio,

I'm confused. What form should I use to ask you questions? Is it Dave Radio, or Daveradio? One way feels wrong, the other types wrong.

Waiting for Clarity

December 2, 2008 2:40 PM

It's technically correct both ways. I write it as one word, but it was conceived as two incidental words.
Back in 2000 when KXUA was still young... so young that it's antennae was not yet bolted to the roof of the girl's dorm (Humphrey's,) I was but a wide-eyed radio supporter to most of the pilgrimatic crew... and in the cell phone of DC was the entry Dave Radio. So it began... Dave... from the radio station... was warmly greeted on the other end of the phone... not with 'hello' but with Daaaave Radio.

The best nicknames, they say, are the ones given to you by your friends... unless your friends are assholes.

Thanks for asking.

-Daveradio

01-Hearts

2008-12-02T21:00:00.000-08:00

Lance said...

Did you, or did you not, draw the hearts yourself?

December 2, 2008 6:17 PM

YES !
I have photoshop and a Wacom tablet but chose, instead, to use MS Paint and a crappy mouse. It seemed mui authentic.
Thanks for asking.

-Daveradio

This is where you ask me Anything.

2008-12-02T10:21:00.000-08:00

I have no license, no applicable degree, and absolutely no credentials to support a blog dedicated to answering your questions.

So, ask.